Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
