I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
