I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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