I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
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I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
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I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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