ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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