I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
