On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
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I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
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So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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