They should really pass out barf bags in church
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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