I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
do herpes really smell.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
