You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
