when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
