It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
