Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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