did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
