Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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