My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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