Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
