i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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