someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it's like iHOP with fire
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
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Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
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All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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