Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
