Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
