No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
