I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
