Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
