Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
