So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
