Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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