I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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