I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
