im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
