when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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