Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i now understand why vodka
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
