At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
this boner is exhausting
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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