we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
