2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
