forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
