I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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