I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
