So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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