then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
