Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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