how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
