I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
