I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
