she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
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Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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