So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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