Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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