someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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