I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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