just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
