His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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