the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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