Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
