Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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