there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
