Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
