At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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