I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
