Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
